New Direction in the Roller Coaster Journey

WOW! The last 2 months have been crazy! Honestly, I have been majorly depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts. I don't think I would have ever carried it out... thanks to the wonderful Gospel of Jesus Christ and the knowledge I have. But I knew those thoughts weren't normal so it was scary enough.....
I can't believe I just admitted all that. I haven't had a problem sharing with others the thoughts and feelings I had of it when I was teenager (thanks birth control!). However, while in the midst of it is quite difficult.


I do believe that it is something that a lot of us women (and men) struggle with and just won't admit it to others, let alone ourselves. Maybe not the suicide aspect but for sure the depression. None of us want to admit that we are not perfect; that we struggle with accomplishing everything in a timely manner; that we scramble to get out kids hair perfect or the suede on the couch the same direction before anyone sees it. Then when others come over we hurry, take a couple deep breathes and pretend that we are happy and calm. What is wrong with our society? Nothing. We have just been conditioned that way. It was a good idea back in the 50's when the husband walks in the door and the table is set with the nice linen cloth and pot roast on the table, but we are at extremes. Life has gotten busier and we have more demand on our physical bodies, mental brains and our time. That type of combination with perfection is a time bomb waiting to happen. (Don't get me wrong I'm sure the 50's housewife was depressed. I mean, come on, Rock 'n Roll was destroying their children's lives LOL).


We are in a new era, with new demands. We need to face reality. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT, nor will we be until the next life (even then I think we will still be growing and striving). When are we going to let go? Let go and admit to others that we have been depressed or may be at times, perhaps even thought of that other greener pasture, and that we need help sometimes; help with kids, family, house cleaning, church callings, projects, etc?


"...Men are that they might have joy." 2 Nephi 2:25 We ARE meant to have JOY!!!!! So why don't we break down our own walls and personal feelings and give someone else the blessings of service?
Remember that by asking others for help we are allowing them to receive blessings! Don't you think maybe they are feeling like you and could use the blessings? :oD


Let us admit to ourselves and others that we face issues such as depression, unworthiness, self loathing, incapability feelings (because we know we really are capable :o) and maybe even suicide. By doing this, and the world becoming more open with these issues, you will find that you are NOT alone in this. You ARE good enough. Most of your friends, neighbors and family have dealt with it at least once in their life. You ARE normal AND you are not meant to feel like this. You are meant to have JOY! You just need to find out how. How maybe the tricky part IF and only if, you don't know where to look for the tools. This is where others come in. Others who have the experience, knowledge and tools to help. But most importantly, others who will listen to you. Who you can talk to and complain with and find the joy in life with.


This is to my friends who listen to me as well as help me find my joy. THANK YOU! I love you, K.W & S.S.!


Now, I will  be journaling about the last two months of my one of my darkest times and of almost giving up but through fasting and prayer receiving the guidance we needed to head down the path we are currently one.... I am nervous because I don't want to admit to any of this right now; mainly because I don't want the sympathy and "oh, I'm so sorry"s, "what can I do", "call me if you need anything"s. I know they mean well, heck I would say the same thing fully intending every word, ready to jump at a moments notice but still, ha, I don't want it said to me. :o/ Total hypocrite haha.
Anyway, there's something about it. I don't want others to look at me different. Wondering if I'm happy or angry or sad that day. Tip toeing around what they do or say around me. I was even scared that no one would trust me to watch their kids anymore (we do a lot of kid swaps). I mean really, you don't want to send your kid over with someone who is depressed and thinking of suicide. But a good note to all who read this... I know my limits, if I can't babysit that day whether time wise or emotionally wise (too stressed) I will tell you no. And especially the last 2 months, though I don't have those 'thoughts' anymore I still get stressed easier and so I just haven't babysat any one's kids. I don't think I could handle it, ha.


So as hard as it is for me I'm going to take my own advice (though I don't expect any of you do admit in the middle of it, unless you really want too) and tell the world wide web about this. We started with a homeopathic on Wednesday and have soo much to share from that as well. Amazing. "I never thought I could feel the Spirit at a doctor's office." - Mark