Sabotage, Discoveries & New Beginnings

I had a very productive week last week.

To begin with, I had done 1hr on the stairmaster (fat burner level 4) Wednesday, Thursday & Saturday, the week before. Woohoo! Then everyday this last week except for Friday. I even did 2hrs on Tuesday!!! 

Thursday's time was ruff. I only had 20 min left and I was so ready to quit, thankfully J_ showed up. She was able to take my mind off the last of the torture I inflict upon myself. :oD Refiners fire, right?

Sabotage
I came to a realization this week. Well, more of a question than an answer. My email to Danny explains...

March 1st

"Food for thought to talk about for tomorrow... When I get so close to finishing or getting something or if I tell people about something I plan on doing, it never seems to happen. Why? Am I sabotaging myself? I don't feel like I am but what else would it be? For example, I could have bet [another clients] timeline. I was so set on it. I could do it! I was so excited and then I didn't! Why? Is it something subconscious that I'm doing to myself?  Now, I fear that I am doing it again with this competition. Just like this weekend... Arg, so frustrating.

I know many people are afraid of accomplishing something or feel like they are not worth it, but I am. Im not afraid to win or succeed at all. I love passing off and accomplishing things. But why does this happen? Am I doing this to myself? 

You have dealt with so many people and issues I thought you might know or be able to give me insight.

Exercise

2hrs stairs. I honestly don't know how I got thru that 2nd hour. I think I may rupture my ear drums with the loud music I have been playing to drown everything else out. haha"

         Her answer, or rather thoughts, were very interesting. She does think I sabotage myself. She knows I don't eat out of depression and I don't speak negative about myself. She has never seen me show emotion other than happy go lucky or mild frustration until today (when tears welled up as I talked about not having siblings... so not planned lol). She gave me a couple different options to think about of things that may be what's driving me, to see what I thought.

          So the next day, Wednesday was picture & measurement day. Oh boy hehe. I was actually looking forward to measurements. Of course I didn't lose the extra pounds for her birthday. :o( (She wanted me at 199lb for her birthday present), but measurements were decent. Instead of puking for our training session (another present she was looking forward too lol... morbid just like me. I was looking forward to it too) we talked about the email. We didn't get answers but we got a lot more to think about and things to pay attention too more.

This week I have struggled to find answers... What was I to do? 

Discoveries

            I don't like telling people what I have planned because I tend to fall thru on the goal. Why? Maybe.... I know I don't handle other people being upset with me, very well at all. Maybe, I think if I tell them they will judge me and/or pressure me... "did you___ today?". It makes me not want to do the thing then. So in some reverse psychology I sabotage myself by failing, not quitting because I don't do that! :oP but somehow causing myself to fall short before I finish. That seems soooo backwards. You would think I would want to finish it to prove, but no. I give in first. This is one of my new goals, to finish something to the fullest, no matter how hard it is. I need to recognize when I sub-consciencely start letting myself slack and back down. It's hard to notice but I can learn. Weak things will become strong.

New Beginnings

        Saturday evening, I realized I have been asking my Heavenly Father to help me lose weight and do good at this. It's a righteous desire and I know he wants me to be healthy and lose this weight so that is what I have been praying for. I have been asking Him for something I want. Granted, I'm sure he wants that for me too but I realized I need to ask Him what He wants for me even if its the same thing it's the principle. Maybe the plan for me is not to win. But I need to ask what He wants me to be doing.

         So that night I changed my prayers asking what He would wants for me, I will do. I needed to know. 

       Sunday I was looking for answers. I was frustrated and struggling until our teacher, in Gospel Doctrine, K_C. said something.... Yes it was something you hear all the time but then one day it hits you like a ton of bricks.

            "Where does your treasure lie? What do you spend most your money on, your most time thinking about and most your day doing? There is where your treasure lies."

             My answer... they gym. I spend a lot of money on supplements and a trainer. I am constantly thinking about losing weight, working out and can I do this? It was just recently that I was complaining that I have no time because I am always doing something related to working out, all day.

       How did I get so off base? I have been working hard on reading my scriptures for a 1/2 hr but not on a consistent bases. I know I have time to go to the temple on my own now that the kids are in school but I kept thinking, "I should go but this getting healthy is more important. There is a time and season for everything. This season is getting healthy. Come July I will be were I want and can go then." Really? Had I really just put the gym and myself before the one Being who created me and is allowing this opportunity to change my life? I couldn't do that. I was rationalizing the situation. I always wanted my Father in Heaven to be first. I wanted that to be my treasure. So I made a commitment to put Him and his will first. Everything else would fall into place. 

          I have had so many experiences and blessing come from putting the Lord first, I knew I would be ok. As long as I made sure I read my scriptures EVERYday and attended the temple (even if I had to skip that day's workout) I would be better off. I would consistently lose this weight and be happier for it. And who knows maybe I will still win after all.

      I was/am soo grateful for the revelation and guidance I received to know what I needed to change and to begin anew.

        Monday, I woke up a 1/2hr early to use the bathroom. Shortly after laying back down and realizing I wasn't that tired I decided to get up and read then. I have since realized it is more important to read first thing in the morning before anything else. It is truly literally putting the Lord first.

Monday I was able to major clean parts of my house which were bugging me. YEA! And did a not so great work out but something. 20 stairs at home. Took about 15min.

I have so much to do before we leave tomorrow. 
Tuesday, I wanted to go to the temple. I knew if I went it would ALL work out. I had a 9:30 appointment., stopped at Whole Foods, went home changed and headed to the temple. Only a 1/2 hr of initiatories but it was great.