So yesterday was my day off. Not just from the gym but Max posts and everything. A day of rest is so nice...
Well this weekend was rough, emotionally. I started to write on Saturday but got to worked up over it that I didn't post it. Now (thanks to K-Lo's out in the openness & Christina B feeling the same as me :oD) I think I will because maybe it will help someone else....
(sorry long again. But hey that's me?)
Saturday
I'm feeling a little down today. I don't know why. I am reminded of when I was younger.... I have always wanted to be part of the in/cool crowd. I was always friends with them but never felt like I was truely "part" of their group. They had more history, which is understandable, but some of them didn't and I still considered them "part of the group".
I had a really hard time after I got married (being the first to be married) because I put on the weight so fast. [16lbs in 1 1/2 wks. 50lbs in 3month, etc] So hard. Never wanted to be a wife who, once married & has her man, lets her self go, by siting at home eating bonbons and watching soaps.... but due to effects of a needed medication and adjusting to married life, it looked like I had done just that. I felt mortified. Every time, I saw members of the cool group I would leave the room crying. I looked to them wanting to be one of them and now felt judged. Not necessarily by them but mostly by myself because I felt so outta control. I grew up eating very healthy & being very active, what was wrong with me now? No matter what I seemed to do nothing helped to get it back off or even slow the pounds down.
It took months & months for me to confront my fears and talk to two of the main girls. I told them how much I looked up to them; how embarrassed I was and how I felt this was out of my control (though looking back I can see how I could have changed some things... Married food is not the best). And in a small way I may have felt I let them down (though I don't know how)... They were the best, as always. They loved me and told me how they really never thought that. It was nice to get it out in the open and know they still cared. I felt I could move on.
However, not having a group still haunts me today. I make great friends with everyone, by choice. I am not one to have a clique. I want to be friends with everyone, but still find it hard that I really don't have "a group" that I hang out with all the time. My friends are awesome don't get me wrong!! i LOVE them!! They invite me to come out with them and I have a blast but I never quite feel like I fit in their groups. It's lonely. [ While I reread this, I realize that I guess in some way it's an oxy-moron statement that I want to be part of a group but friends with everyone, huh?)
I guess this kinda goes along with why I have such a hard time not having siblings. I am alone. Yes I have my husband and yes I have my kids but it's not the same as someone who has known you your whole life. Who is there when you need to vent about parents, spouses, friends. Who not only you can go to advice for but comes to you for advice. Who you can laugh with about the funny & stupid things you did as a kids. Yes you may have fights and not get along but there's still just something there. I have my parents, who I am very close to but what happens when they are gone? I feel I will be alone.
I guess I feel that now in some ways. I feel like I am friends with so many of you but still haven't found a "group". So many of you have really connected with each other; have made HUGE transformations; and are major inspirations to others. I can't help but want that. I know I may be over analyzing and looking beyond the mark but...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today
Okay now that I'm over my venting from Saturday. I feel ok. I am who I am. I don't have to be part of a group. I am myself! :oD I my not have transformed as fast as others or as fast as I would have liked but I am completely perfect with that.
I was glad to read other's post and find I'm not alone in the stressing over stars! STUPID STARS! I have ONLY liked that voting started because out of asking people to vote I have learned that I have inspired a couple people here. I was shocked but ecstatic. If I could help but one person feel better physically and/or emotionally, this has ALL been worth the struggles and disappointments through this challenge. That is all I want is to help others attain their goals and feel the way I do.... Screw the stupid stars, they don't matter, what we have all attained does!
And as always NEVER GIVE UP!
Workout today:
20min stairmaster fat burner level 5 Woohoo I could get back on!
30min treadmill
1hr push weights & abs
Heading back in 1/2hr for another 45-60min cardio with my mom.
HAVE AN AMAZING DAY! Push yourself and do an extra 10min of something :oD Max it out!
Well this weekend was rough, emotionally. I started to write on Saturday but got to worked up over it that I didn't post it. Now (thanks to K-Lo's out in the openness & Christina B feeling the same as me :oD) I think I will because maybe it will help someone else....
(sorry long again. But hey that's me?)
Saturday
I'm feeling a little down today. I don't know why. I am reminded of when I was younger.... I have always wanted to be part of the in/cool crowd. I was always friends with them but never felt like I was truely "part" of their group. They had more history, which is understandable, but some of them didn't and I still considered them "part of the group".
I had a really hard time after I got married (being the first to be married) because I put on the weight so fast. [16lbs in 1 1/2 wks. 50lbs in 3month, etc] So hard. Never wanted to be a wife who, once married & has her man, lets her self go, by siting at home eating bonbons and watching soaps.... but due to effects of a needed medication and adjusting to married life, it looked like I had done just that. I felt mortified. Every time, I saw members of the cool group I would leave the room crying. I looked to them wanting to be one of them and now felt judged. Not necessarily by them but mostly by myself because I felt so outta control. I grew up eating very healthy & being very active, what was wrong with me now? No matter what I seemed to do nothing helped to get it back off or even slow the pounds down.
It took months & months for me to confront my fears and talk to two of the main girls. I told them how much I looked up to them; how embarrassed I was and how I felt this was out of my control (though looking back I can see how I could have changed some things... Married food is not the best). And in a small way I may have felt I let them down (though I don't know how)... They were the best, as always. They loved me and told me how they really never thought that. It was nice to get it out in the open and know they still cared. I felt I could move on.
However, not having a group still haunts me today. I make great friends with everyone, by choice. I am not one to have a clique. I want to be friends with everyone, but still find it hard that I really don't have "a group" that I hang out with all the time. My friends are awesome don't get me wrong!! i LOVE them!! They invite me to come out with them and I have a blast but I never quite feel like I fit in their groups. It's lonely. [ While I reread this, I realize that I guess in some way it's an oxy-moron statement that I want to be part of a group but friends with everyone, huh?)
I guess this kinda goes along with why I have such a hard time not having siblings. I am alone. Yes I have my husband and yes I have my kids but it's not the same as someone who has known you your whole life. Who is there when you need to vent about parents, spouses, friends. Who not only you can go to advice for but comes to you for advice. Who you can laugh with about the funny & stupid things you did as a kids. Yes you may have fights and not get along but there's still just something there. I have my parents, who I am very close to but what happens when they are gone? I feel I will be alone.
I guess I feel that now in some ways. I feel like I am friends with so many of you but still haven't found a "group". So many of you have really connected with each other; have made HUGE transformations; and are major inspirations to others. I can't help but want that. I know I may be over analyzing and looking beyond the mark but...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today
Okay now that I'm over my venting from Saturday. I feel ok. I am who I am. I don't have to be part of a group. I am myself! :oD I my not have transformed as fast as others or as fast as I would have liked but I am completely perfect with that.
I was glad to read other's post and find I'm not alone in the stressing over stars! STUPID STARS! I have ONLY liked that voting started because out of asking people to vote I have learned that I have inspired a couple people here. I was shocked but ecstatic. If I could help but one person feel better physically and/or emotionally, this has ALL been worth the struggles and disappointments through this challenge. That is all I want is to help others attain their goals and feel the way I do.... Screw the stupid stars, they don't matter, what we have all attained does!
And as always NEVER GIVE UP!
Workout today:
20min stairmaster fat burner level 5 Woohoo I could get back on!
30min treadmill
1hr push weights & abs
Heading back in 1/2hr for another 45-60min cardio with my mom.
HAVE AN AMAZING DAY! Push yourself and do an extra 10min of something :oD Max it out!
By KateE on June 07, 2011 7:34pm
Thanks for writing this down for me. I also have great kids and a WONDERFUL hubby, but do not have close friends nearby. Over the past few months you've become my Journal Buddy and I appreciate it...I'll take you any day of the week in my clique. :) xoxo
By mikecalhoun on June 07, 2011 5:07pm
hey Rachel, sometimes people feel that way, and other people don't, well for me, it was and has been very similar to you, but i do have siblings, but i get to see them once a year if im lucky. You have dona a tremdous job and you have inspired me to work harder, like i have always said, im catching up to all of you, i maybe slower but im getting there!!! you will too, keep your head up and keep reaching for the real stars, you are one of them!!!
By Christina B. on June 07, 2011 5:17am
Oh, Rachel, if you knew how similar our lives are, you'd probably be supprised!!! I appreciate your writing this journal and I know it felt good to just write it out!!!
By Ben D on June 06, 2011 10:07pm
You are right - we shouldn't measure ourselves based on stars (this one hit pretty close to home for me) - thanks for posting it
By Erin Keith on June 06, 2011 7:09pm
What stars???? I have no idea what you are talking about. LOL Darn little yellow things! :P You have done awesome so keep your head up!
Hugs, Clarity & Strength...Erin
By Donna Jones on June 06, 2011 1:38pm
Wow, I will be sending you a message later tonight....I am glad you are feeling better and today your outlook is totally different and on target than how you were feeling on Saturday. Lets chat later :)
By Katie Sutherlin on June 06, 2011 1:20pm
You are going to be ok.....you are a super person and you are right, who cares about the stars or this competition. This is who we are and you have come along way. Be proud of your accomplishments.
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